K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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