yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
