call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
