So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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