Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I can text with my tongue
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
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Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
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He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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