you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
