Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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