so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
