We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
