My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
