Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
