I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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