Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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