She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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