What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
