do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
