wanna go halves on a baby?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I woke up under a house in Key West
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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