I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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