If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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