Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
