Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
