hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
