We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
