i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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