OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
