oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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