lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
