she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
