My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
