You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
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She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
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Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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