Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
