thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
His hands were made for my vagina.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
