The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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