I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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