i would punch a child for taco bell
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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