I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
