When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
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i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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