You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
