I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
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I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
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Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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