College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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