my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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