I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
