I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
we're so committed to being not committed
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
