Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
