i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Life is so much better after having sex.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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