If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
