sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
