he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
