I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
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I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
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He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
jump out the window naked night went bad
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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