I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
