please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
