He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
