The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I wish life had little blips of pornography
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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