He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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