if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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